Being lonely is one thing. Being lonely with no one is another..
realness just got real, again. fuck!
sleepless fucking nights. empty as lonely feeling churning the stomach line, to the point of dry reaching. I’m hanging out, looking forward to, anticipating it so much to call this place home.
I’ve been sitting in front of these keys, these lit up white keys for a while, days, weeks, months. With sentences, phrases, words, nouns, adjectives, verbs, all in my head. But no construction to make any sense of it. Finally found some sort of inspiration to write. Form of counselling, speaking the mind if you must. To who? no-one at all, myself. To keep, then to read later, along with everything else from previous dates. So if do not wish to read some real and deep shit, don’t.
I made the decision, the big leap to do it. I knew it was going to be hard, but never could I imagine quite this hard. With not going to University first off, I haven’t been privileged with the opportunity to meet new people and form some sort of friendship group. It been almost 3 months, and I’m yet to call this place home. It will happen I know, but when is the question - Tomorrow? Next week? In a month? Year/s? Coming from such an open life style, of knowing so many different types of people, people in general, to not knowing anybody has been the task of the past while. I have put myself out there more than ever, which is a massive leap out of the old comfort zone, in anticipation for maybe an invite somewhere.. still anticipating.. I have learnt to spend weekends, at home with myself. With not even the motivation to have a beer with myself or a cigarette. Just the motivation to watch the weekend go by, and almost look forward to the Monday, which I didn’t even know was possible. When I’m not looking forward to Monday’s again, I will start to not feel homesick. Other than the non existent social-life, life is somewhat okay. The work is rolling in with 40+ hours a week, saving more money than I ever have, fitter than I’ve been in over 4 years. Safe to say a well stabled life style is being lived. Completely different to the one I’m used to. (Yes this is some incredibly gay shit coming from a gown male, and it may be the biggest cliché’ to say it’s a feeling of weight being dismantled from the shoulders, but it’s true)
But.. this is all changed dramatically with a phone call and a realisation. All took place last thursday night, 11:30pm, 31st of march 2012. I will take this memory to my grave, genuinely. The phone rang, it was a best mate of mine. And before I say anything, I want to word this correctly, never ever take your mates for granted, as one day you may be in the same position. Anyway story goes on - ‘surprise surprise, it’s the same old story with these fucking guys’, it was him and the rest of them on the phone, off their little heads and having a ‘bro down’. One of the best past times you will ever encounter if you are lucky enough to be involved in one. A proper one! but I guess there is no definition of a ‘proper’ bro down. They each have their own characteristics and defining topics. All thanks to alcohol and.. the truth is always given. These boys touched me with the words that you don’t hear very often, if ever. I am forever grateful, and will never forget. One thing led to another, and they had booked me on a flight 6 hours later for a spontaneous trip 2 hours back home. For a weekend, of festivities, talks, bro downs, beers, cigs, and everything that makes you appreciate the ones that will always be there! Even though we did pretty much what we did every weekend I lived there, this was different. This was the best weekend to date. With no word of a lie. For these boys to have the generosity to pay for my flight, means more than the world. I got to see some of the ones I’ve missed terribly, even if it was for only a short time. We partied, we drank, we smoke, we talked, we laughed and did everything else that sounds as gay as that sounds. But it made life feel like it was still normal, life felt amazing for that 48 hours. Such a special moment in time. There ain’t no cryptic underlining messages, metaphors or anything similar, just straight up truth. Moral of the story, I’m a very lucky human being. Thank you, sincerely each one of you. You boys put the life back in me, and brought a new definition to the meaning of life.
A Balasubramaniam, Limited from Unlimited II, Mixed media print on paper, 2000